


Westshore Madness

by rainbowskissors



Category: Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe, Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Chaos, Character Development, F/F, F/M, Functioning Bisexuals (those exist?), Gay, Gen, Genderqueer Character, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Insanity, Love Confessions, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Useless Lesbians, crackfic, fast burn? is that a thing?, his fantabulousness was too much for this fic to handle - Freeform, i guess?, i love these lil gaybabies with all my heart, i realize i forgot damien - Freeform, i'm sorry in advance, i'm stupid, lots of gay, nonbinary cuties, pansexuals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:28:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 7,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26741356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowskissors/pseuds/rainbowskissors
Summary: [queen_george]: hah i knew it[queen_george]: she’s totally gay----(or, the crackfic i wrote on a whim)
Relationships: Cady Heron/Janis Sarkisian, Heather Chandler/Veronica Sawyer, Regina George/Gretchen Wieners
Comments: 53
Kudos: 63





	1. The Beginning ;O

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoy!

Heathers:

[mythic_bitch] = Heather Chandler

[lifeboat] = Heather McNamara

[quackquack_bitches] = Heather Duke

Plastics:

[queen_george] = Regina George

[bobross_afro] / [secret_keeper] = Gretchen Wieners

[dumb_blonde] = Karen Smith

Others:

[not_traumatized] / [bluejanis] = Veronica Sawyer

[gay_art_freak] / [artisterino] = Janis Sarkisian

[caddyheron] = Cady Heron

* * *

Friday, 2:01pm

_not_traumatized_ added _gay_art_freak_ to the chat.

 _not_traumatized_ named the chat ‘showdown’

[gay_art_freak]: VERONICA WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

[gay_art_freak]: WHY IS MY NAME GAY ART FREAK

[gay_art_freak]: I SWEAR I’LL KILL YOU

[not_traumatized]: Janis chill

[not_traumatized]: You can change ur name jeez

[gay_art_freak]: You can??

 _gay_art_freak_ changed their name to _artisterino_

[artisterino]: Oh, phew. 

[artisterino]: So what’s this chat for, Ronnie?

[not_traumatized]: Ya know the Heathers, the girls I’m friends with who happen to rule the school by fear and manipulation?

[artisterino]: ... yeah?

[not_traumatized]: I’m gonna add them and the Plastics from ur school to this chat, and we’ll see how it goes down

[artisterino]: You, cousin, are a genius

[not_traumatized]: I’m flattered

[not_traumatized]: Now add their numbers

 _not_traumatized_ added _mythic_bitch_ , _lifeboat_ , and _quackquack_bitches_ to the chat.

[mythic_bitch]: what the fuck is this?

[not_traumatized]: Hi Heather

[artisterino]: Hi Heather no. 1

[mythic_bitch]: who’s this, ronnie

[not_traumatized]: This is my cousin, Janis

[mythic_bitch]: hi janis

[artisterino]: Pleasure to meet ya

[quackquack_bitches]: veronica, heather, what is this??

[mythic_bitch]: i was wondering the same thing.

[not_traumatized]: Just wait, you’ll see

[mythic_bitch]: the suspense is k i l l i n g me

[artisterino]: Are they always this dry?

[not_traumatized]: Yep

[lifeboat]: Hi Veronica. What is this?

[not_traumatized]: Hi, Heather. Just hold on I’ll explain in a bit

[lifeboat]: Okay??

[quackquack_bitches]: wtf is my name sawyer

[not_traumatized]: For God’s sake, you can change it, okay??

[quackquack_bitches]: hmm... nah, i like it

[not_traumatized]: Janis hurry up

[lifeboat]: Who’s Janis?

[mythic_bitch]: veronica’s cousin

[lifeboat]: Cool! Hi Janis!

[artisterino]: Hi Heather no.3

[artisterino]: Hold on I’m getting their numbers from Cady

[quackquack_bitches]: who??

[not_traumatized]: For the last time, wait and you’ll see

[mythic_bitch]: i’m tired of waiting

[not_traumatized]: *eyeroll emoji*

 _artisterino_ added _queen_george_ , _bobross_afro_ , and _dumb_blonde_ to the chat.

[artisterino]: Heyyy plastics ;)

[queen_george]: Janis wtf is this

[bobross_hair]: MY NAME

[not_traumatized]: Someone say it for me I’m tired

[lifeboat]: Whoever you are, you can change it :)

[bobross_hair]: phew thanks lol

[lifeboat]: No problem. Who are you people, though?

[queen_george]: regina george

[artisterino]: She’s kind of a big deal

[queen_george]: zip it, sarkisian.

[artisterino]: Whatever.

 _bobross_hair_ changed their name to _secret_keeper_.

[secret_keeper]: i’m gretchen wieners (don’t u dare make fun of my last name)

[mythic_bitch]: i do like hot dogs tho

[dumb_blonde]: *waving emoji* *sassy girl emoji*

[secret_keeper]: that’s karen. she communicates thru emojis

[quackquack_bitches]: ok???

[lifeboat]: Nice to meet you all!

[queen_george]: janis what is the meaning of this

[not_traumatized] Hold that thought, Heathers, introduce yourselves

[mythic_bitch]: heather chandler

[quackquack_bitches]: heather duke

[lifeboat]: Hi! I’m Heather McNamara

[secret_keeper]: nice to meet you all, i guess :)

[lifeboat]: Same here!

[mythic_bitch]: ok sawyer explain

[not_traumatized]: Okay okay jeez

[not_traumatized]: So I made a chat with the Heathers from my school and the Plastics from Janis’s school. Janis is my cousin btw

[quackquack_bitches]: you call yourselves what?!

[queen_george]: that’s rich, coming from three people who happen to share the same name

[artisterino]: Okay, Veronica and I will go chat in private for a moment. You guys talk shit and whatever

[queen_george]: sounds good to me

[secret_keeper]: sure..?

[lifeboat]: Bye!

 _artisterino_ muted the chat

 _not_traumatized_ muted the chat

[mythic_bitch]: so who’s the leader of ur clique

[queen_george]: that would be me.

[secret_keeper]: i’m her bff!

[quackquack_bitches]: *raised eyebrow emoji*

[secret_keeper:] hbu?

[lifeboat]: Heather C is our leader

[mythic_bitch]: me

[dumb_blonde]: *okay emoji*

[lifeboat]: So you said Veronica was Janis’s cousin?

[mythic_bitch]: i guess so

[secret_keeper]: hey did u guys know that janis is a space alien with 4 butts? *laughing/crying emoji*

[queen_george]: GRETCHEN stfu. i told u, we aren’t doing that anymore.

[secret_keeper]: okay okay sorry. but is she actually gay?

[mythic_bitch]: if she’s anything like veronica, definitely.

[quackquack_bitches]: lol tru tho

[lifeboat]: I love how we’re bonding over our friends being gay

[quackquack_bitches]: have u SEEN the gooey eyes sawyer makes at chandler?

[mythic_bitch]: shut up heather i’ll crucify u

[lifeboat]: Awww, does Heather have a crush?

[mythic_bitch]: ur lucky we’re friends rn

[queen_george]: this got awkward pretty quickly

[secret_keeper]: ya don’t say?

[dumb_blonde]: *heart eyes emoji*

[mythic_bitch]: i don’t even know who u r and i already h8 u

[quackquack_bitches]: ooh heather’s embarrassed

[mythic_bitch]: heather...

[secret_keeper]: ANYWAYS

[secret_keeper]: how many guys have u slept with?

[queen_george]: gretchen what kind of a question is that?!

[secret_keeper]: I’M SORRY i needed SOME sort of ice breaker

[queen_george]: oh, idk, like 3?

[mythic_bitch]: 3?! how old r u again?

[queen_george]: i’m 16..?

[mythic_bitch]: i’m 17 and i’ve slept with 10+

[queen_george]: woah, slut-brag much?

[mythic_bitch]: hey, i need relief sometimes!

[secret_keeper]: this is still extremely awkward

[quackquack_bitches]: i’d agree, and usually i’m laughing at anything spewing out of chandler’s mouth

[lifeboat]: I don’t like sleeping with guys that much.

[quackquack_bitches]: you don’t? but what about kurt?

[lifeboat]: Idk... I don’t feel that much around him.

[dumb_blonde]: *pride flag emoji* ?

[secret_keeper]: as karen’s translator, she is asking if ur gay

[lifeboat]: Err... I don’t know. 

[mythic_bitch]: do u think girls r hot or whatnot? like u just wanna pin them to the wall or something and start making out?

[quackquack_bitches]: wtf

[quackquack_bitches]: that’s... oddly specific

[mythic_bitch]: once again, stfu

[quackquack_bitches]: *smirk emoji*

[queen_george]: i’m straight

[dumb_blonde]: *boy emoji* *heart emoji*

[mythic_bitch]: even i can tell that means she’s straight

[quackquack_bitches]: as far as i know, i’m straight

[lifeboat]: God, it’s so confusing ;(

[queen_george]: do u have a crush on anyone?

[lifeboat]: Well, uh, yeah

[queen_george]: is it a girl?

[queen_george]: judging by the fact that she’s active but isn’t responding, she has a crush on a girl

[lifeboat]: I never confirmed!

[quackquack_bitches]: so who is it?

[lifeboat]: I just said I never confirmed!

[secret_keeper]: are they cute?

[lifeboat]: Yeah

[mythic_bitch]: is it veronica?

[lifeboat]: WHAT

[quackquack_bitches]: wait does that mean u find veronica cute too, chandler?

[mythic_bitch]: WHAT

[queen_george]: ooh piping hot tea from three girls we don’t even know in real life? yes pu-leez

[secret_keeper]: don’t worry, we accept lgbtq

[dumb_blonde]: *thumbs up emoji*

[mythic_bitch]: mac answer the question

[quackquack_bitches]: HA u DO think veronica’s cute! 

[mythic_bitches]: when did i EVER say that?!

[quackquack_bitches]: u just avoided the question, and immediately assumed mac was crushing on veronica because her crush was cute

[mythic_bitch]: i-

[lifeboat]: OKAY EVERYONE CALM DOWN

[lifeboat]: I do think Veronica is cute

[secret_keeper]: OOH

[lifeboat]: But it’s not her!

[queen_george]: that still proves ur gay

[lifeboat]: What if I’m bi? Or pan? You never know

[mythic_bitch]: still, u think ronnie is cute so as far as i know ur on the gay spectrum

[lifeboat]: Wow, you guys came out for me

[secret_keeper]: you’re welcome ;)

[quackquack_bitches]: so now that we’ve cracked mac... chandler, it’s your turn

[mythic_bitch]: to do what, may i ask..?

[quackquack_bitches]: u think ronnie is cute.

[mythic_bitch]: heather...

[quackquack_bitches]: what??

[mythic_bitch]: i am not gay for sawyer. so drop it.

[lifeboat]: I DID see you reciprocating Sawyer’s gooey eyes in math yesterday...

[queen_george]: uh english, pls?

[secret_keeper]: she’s saying that heather likes veronica

[queen_george]: ooh. cute.

[mythic_btich]: I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON VERONICA SAWYER

[not_traumatized]: I- What did I come back to?

[mythic_bitch]: shit

[queen_george]: oh, hi, veronica. we were just talking abt u

[secret_keeper]: YeAh!

[lifeboat]: Hi Ronnie :)

[mythic_bitch]: i did NOT ask for this when i was put into this chat

[quackquack_bitches]: veronica r u gay? actually asking.

[not_traumatized]: I- uhm, maybe?

[quackquack_bitches]: wait, seriously?

[not_traumatized]: I dunno. I find girls attractive as well as guys

[lifeboat]: Well, to be fair, you do give off not-straight vibes

[quackquack_bitches]: lmao

[not_traumatized]: What’s that supposed to mean?

[quackquack_bitches]: she means, we can all c u staring at chandler rn

[not_traumatized]: wtf? 

[quackquack_bitches]: look outside your class

[lifeboat]: Aww, Veronica’s blushing!!

[not_traumatized]: Shut up

[mythic_bitch]: ronnie ur making me uncomfortable.

[not_traumatized]: oh sorry.

[queen_george]: wait, you guys are in school?

[mythic_bitch]: well we would’ve ditched but ronnie refused to write us a note 

[secret_keeper]: a note??

[lifeboat]: Sometimes Veronica forges absence notes for us so we can ditch class!

[queen_george]: that’s actually pretty neat

[queen_george]: we’re ditching too but instead of forging a note, i got my mom to call for me and gretch to leave

[secret_keeper]: i feel bad for leaving karen in detention

[dumb_blonde]: *salon emoji* *nail polish emoji* *waving emoji*

[secret_keeper]: oh, i guess that means she’s out since she’s leaving for the salon now!

[secret_keeper]: she says she’ll talk to us later!

[lifeboat]: Bye Karen! Nice talking to you!

 _dumb_blonde_ is inactive.

[quackquack_bitches]: now where were we?

[not_traumatized]: Could u not stare at me from the door? It’s kinda creepy

[lifeboat]: Sorry. 

[lifeboat]: But I totally see ur blush

[lifeboat]: _attachment.sawyerblushing.jpg_

[not_traumatized]: WHAT THE FUCK HEATHER

[secret_keeper]: now i see what heather means when she says ur cute

[queen_george]: wait WHAT

[queen_george]: GRETCHEN ARE U GAY

[secret_keeper]: NO am i not allowed to find girls cute?

[quackquack_bitches]: idk, that normally signals ur gay

[secret_keeper]: i just find people attractive no matter what their gender, doesn’t mean i’m gay

[secret_keeper]: besides i have a crush on parker i thought u knew that regina

[queen_george]: awh i’m so proud of your speech gretch

[not_traumatized]: i am seriously uncomfortable

[quackquack_bitches]: ur lucky sawyer we left for class

[not_traumatized]: Thank God.

[lifeboat]: Do you really hate us that much?

[not_traumatized]: When you’re taking pictures of me like a creep, yes I do

[lifeboat]: *wink emoji*

[mythic_bitch]: okay i’m leaving before this chat gets any weirder

[artisterino]: YOU’RE ALL GAYYYY

[mythic_bitch]: my point exactly.

[queen_george]: janis where tf were u all this time?

[artisterino]: That’s for me to know and for u to find out ;P

[queen_george]: god ur annoying sometimes

[artisterino]: And Gretchen, I scrolled up to ur message. Yes I’m gay, could u not fucking tell?

[secret_keeper]: woah way to come out *clapping emoji*

[artisterino]: So yeah, anyways how are your days going?

[queen_george]: if u didn’t see, gretch and i are ditching

[artisterino]: Ha, too bad for u. You’re missing the big test

[queen_george]: SHIT

[secret_keeper]: we could always make it up, can’t we?

[artisternio]: Oh, the test is starting ;) text you guys later

 _artisterino_ is inactive

 _artisterino_ has muted the chat

[queen_george]: GRETCHEN WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE QUIZ

[secret_keeper]: i’m sorry! i forgot!

[quackquack_bitches]: wait, if u guys are ditching together why r u still texting?

[queen_george]: so that u guys can read our dialogue

[lifeboat]: Ok then..? Lol

[quackquack_bitches]: okay, heather and i have science so we’re leaving too.

 _quackquack_bitches_ is inactive.

 _lifeboat_ is inactive.

 _quackquack_bitches_ has muted the chat.

 _lifeboat_ has muted the chat.

[queen_george]: so.. who else is still here?

[mythic_bitch]: me, i guess

[not_traumatized]: sorry we were taking notes

[secret_keeper]: so let’s talk, i guess

[mythic_bitch]: sure??

[secret_keeper]: veronica

[not_traumatized]: ...Yes?

[secret_keeper]: a little birdie told us u like someone

[not_traumatized]: Don’t we all?

[secret_keeper]: someone who’s supposedly sitting in ur math class

[not_traumatized]: Heather?

[queen_george]: yes judging by the goo-goo eyes and the blush we saw from heather’s pic

[not_traumatized]: Well as she said I guess I give off non-straigt vibes *shrugging emoji*

[mythic_bitch]: wait so u like me?

[not_traumatized]: I never said that!

[queen_george]: defensive much?

[secret_keeper]: it’s okay if ur gay. it’ll be our little secret ;)

[not_traumatized]: But I’m not! 

[mythic_bitch]: really?

[not_traumatized]: I, uh, 

[not_traumatized]: I’m bi.

[queen_george]: cool

[secret_keeper]: for who?

[not_traumatized]: I’m not telling you! I don’t even know you!

[mythic_bitch]: she makes a fair point

[secret_keeper]: aww :(

[not_traumatized]: You know what? Fine. 

[not_traumatized]: I like Heather Chandler. Happy?

[mythic_bitch]: wait you do?

[not_traumatized]: Could u not tell from the picture Heather sent

[not_traumatized]: Besides I have the weekend to freak out about exposing myself since it’s Thursday

[not_traumatized]: And i can just avoid heather

[not_traumatized]: Wait

[not_traumatized]: Of course my dumbass texted that

[queen_george]: i ship

[secret_keeper]: I SHIP IT

 _not_traumatized_ is inactive.

[mythic_bitch]: umm idk how to feel about this

[secret_keeper]: happy!

[queen_george]: uncomfortable because ur bff has a crush on u

[mythic_bitch]: i think i’ll go with neutral

[secret_keeper]: good enough! congrats!

[mythic_bitch]: thanks.

[mythic_bitch]: _attachment.sawyerpouting.img_

[mythic_bitch]: heh. she’s upset u found out.

[secret_keeper]: aww that’s a cute face

[queen_george]: gretchen ur gayness is overwhelming lol

[secret_keeper]: sorry but it’s true

[mythic_bitch]: yeah i guess so

[secret_keeper]: wait so you LIKE her back!

[mythic_bitch]: NO!

[mythic_bitch]: i mean... she’s a great friend, and ya she’s cute... but no

[secret_keeper]: darn

[queen_george]: i’m getting the opposite kinds of vibes

[mythic_bitch]: AHHH

 _mythic_bitch_ is inactive.

[queen_george]: hah i knew it

[queen_george]: she’s totally gay


	2. Chandler's Gaywakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what the title says. after reading way too many chansaw fics, i have decided to hc ship chansaw. i also ship chandlamara too, but.. chansaw.

Sunday, 1:03am

_ mythic_bitch  _ added  _ queen_george _ ,  _ secret_keeper _ ,  _ artisterino _ , and  _ lifeboat _ to the chat.

_ mythic_bitch  _ named the chat  _ help me with my fckin crisis _

[mythic_bitch]: help me with my fuckin crisis, as the chat name says

[queen_george]: what a fitting time to have a crisis, at 1am

[queen_george]: what’s up

[mythic_bitch]: u the only one awake? i’m gonna need as many opinions as possible

[secret_keeper]: i’m here

[lifeboat]: Was just about to go to sleep

[lifeboat]: I was studying, but I can stay awake for this

[mythic_bitch]: ok ty mac. what about ur friend janis, regina?

[queen_george]: she’s usually awake ‘till like 5am she should come on soon enough

[artisterino]: What’s up hOESSSS

[queen_george]: exactly.

[artisterino]: Any friend of Veronica’s, I’m willing to help. What’s up?

[mythic_bitch]: so ur probably all wondering why i’ve summoned u all at an ungodly hour right?

[queen_george]: sure

[lifeboat]: Yup

[artisterino]: Indeedos

[secret_keeper]: yesss

[mythic_bitch]: well i have a problem.

[lifeboat]: Wait, why aren’t Veronica and Heather in this chat?

[mythic_bitch]: for the reasons i’m abt to explain

[mythic_bitch]: who here is not straight?

[secret_keeper]: idk yet

[lifeboat]: Meee

[artisterino]: dO iLOOk STraiT to YOUUU

[mythic_bitch]: good point

[mythic_bitch]: anyways

[mythic_bitch]: the thing is

[mythic_bitch]: i might be

[queen_george]: spit it out

[lifeboat]: Go Heather!

[artisterino]: GAWOOOO

[mythic_bitch]: ...joining your ranks

[lifeboat]: Wait, really?!

[mythic_bitch]: uh yeah

[artisterino]: OMG cONgRATs

[mythic_bitch]: thanks i guess haha

[queen_george]: so why aren’t heather and veronica in this chat?

[mythic_bitch]: cuz heather will make dry comments

[lifeboat]: But Veronica wouldn’t..?

[mythic_bitch]: well cuz she’s the reason i’m fucking gay

[queen_george]: Oh that was a shocker

[mythic_bitch]: i dunno what to do especially since she said she likes me yesterday

[secret_keeper]: congrats!!!

[mythic_bitch]: thanks gretchen

[mythic_bitch]: wait so technically now regina is the only straight person in this chat

[queen_george]: about that...

[lifeboat]: OMG

[lifeboat]: Are you joining the club???

[regina_george]: i guess so

[artisterino]: Welcome to the club, fellow dy-- I mean, fellow non-straight person!

[regina_george]: god i can’t believe i’m telling u guys out of all people

[mythic_bitch]: congrats to u too regina

[queen_george]: ty i guess *shrugging emoji*

[mythic_bitch]: but i still need ur help with veronica

[queen_george]: so do you want to ask her out or something?

[lifeboat]: Awww how cute!

[mythic_bitch]: well i don’t know. 

[mythic_bitch]: i’m nervous

[lifeboat]: What’s there to be nervous about?

[secret_keeper]: yeah she already likes you back!

[mythic_bitch]: okay you DO make a point

[mythic_bitch]: but what if she just said that so she wouldn’t hurt my feelings?

[mythic_bitch]: she hated my guts a year ago

[mythic_bitch]: god i’m freaking out

[secret_keeper]: you’ll be totally fine!

[lifeboat]: We’re here for you :)

[queen_george]: tell you what. if you need emotional support or whatever, gretchen, karen and i will stop by your school tomorrow when you ask her out

[mythic_bitch]: tOMORROW?

[queen_george]: if you don’t do it, you’ll never be ready. better now than never.

[lifeboat]: You guys would make such a cute couple!

[mythic_bitch]: ok, thanks guys. i’ll ask her out tomorrow.

[artisterino]: I was just texting Veronica. I asked her how she felt about you, Heather, and she said she REALLYYY likes you, with three Y’s

[lifeboat]: Aww that’s sweet

[secret_keeper]: you got this, heather!!

[queen_george]: good luck :)

[mythic_bitch]: thanks guys. i appreciate your help.

[queen_george]: no problem. now, can we PLEASE go to sleep?

[mythic_bitch]: yeh go ahead

[lifeboat]: Good night!

[secret_keeper]: i’m so excited for tomorrow :D

[artisterino]: I’m 99% sure Ronnie will say yes

[mythic_bitch]: thanks janis. good night everyone

_ lifeboat  _ is inactive.

_ queen_george  _ is inactive.

_ mythic_bitch  _ is inactive.

_ secret_keeper _ is inactive.

[artisterino]: HA the fuckers went to bed

[artisterino]: Oh now i’m loneleh

[artisterino]: WHatever

[artisterino]: 

_ artisterino  _ is inactive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope y'all enjoyed uwu


	3. "non-straight vibes only"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they chat about being gay (like 90% of them r in my headcannons, shut up), then go to the mall. short n sweet :D

Sunday, 4:06pm

showdown

[artisterino]: Can I rename this to non-straight vibes only??

[quackquack_bitches]: but not all of us are non-straight..?

[quackquack_bitches]: there’s me, and regina, and gretchen

[queen_george]: haha about that

[queen_george]: gretchen and i are dating

[dumb_blonde]: *shocked emoji* *kissing emoji* *winking emoji*

[lifeboat]: Really? Congratulations!!!

[queen_george]: thanks :)

[secret_keeper]: REGINAAA 

[queen_george]: yess??

[secret_keeper]: i love you :3

[queen_george]: *eyeroll emoji* i love you too

[quackquack_bitches]: awh

[quackquack_bitches]: wow now i’m the only non-straight person here

[artisterino]: Yes indeed

 _artisterino_ renamed the chat ‘non-straight vibes only’

[quackquack_bitches]: hey what about me?!

[artisterino]: Change your sexuality

[quackquack_bitches]: i-

[queen_george]: mood tho

[lifeboat]: Heather used to like a girl

[quackquack_bitches]: HEATHER

[secret_keeper]: ooh do tell

[lifeboat]: Oh now I feel bad

[quackquack_bitches]: whatever just keep going -_-

[lifeboat]: Yay! Okay so in middle school there was this girl

[lifeboat]: Her name was Anna

[lifeboat]: And Heather was head over heels for her

[quackquack_bitches]: i WAS NOT

[mythic_bitch]: you were. i always caught you staring

[quackquack_bitches]: yeah because you’re totally straight too

[mythic_bitch]: WHAT WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT

[quackquack_bitches]: woah chill it was a joke

[mythic_bitch]: well ha jokes on you i’m gay

[quackquack_bitches]: ...

[quackquack_bitches]: you can’t be serious

[mythic_bitch]: nope i asked veronica out an hour ago

[secret_keeper]: WHAT?! you never told us!!! we were gonna come to support you!

[mythic_bitch]: sorry it was out of the blue

[quackquack_bitches]: did everyone know about this but me?

[dumb_blonde]: *x emoji* 

[secret_keeper]: omg heather you forgot to add karen to the chat

[mythic_bitch]: oh karen i’m sorry i forgot since you barely text

[dumb_blonde]: *okay emoji* *smily face*

[quackquack_bitches]: what chat? what’s going on?

[mythic_bitch]: ok so veronica got detention for passing notes with me in class so i walked her to detention while she was stinking mad at me for getting off the hook, then i just asked her out and she was like ‘of course’ and i guess now we’re dating

[not_traumatized]: heather i appreciate the story but i’m in detention and i’m gonna get in trouble if i text so i’m muting the chat

 _not_traumatized_ has muted the chat.

[mythic_bitch]: so yeah

[quackquack_bitches]: i feel targeted by the gays

[lifeboat]: Lesbian!

[mythic_bitch]: bisexual actually

[artisterino]: Lesbian as fuck

[secret_keeper]: pannn

[queen_george]: bisexual as far as i’m aware

[quackquack_bitches]: woah okay now i feel even more targeted

[quackquack_bitches]: sorry, non-straights

[dumb_blonde]: *best friends emoji* *winking emoji* *arrow emoji*

[secret_keeper]: oh! karen says don’t worry because she’s straight too!

[quackquack_bitches]: oh that’s nice :)

[mythic_bitch]: _attachment.ronniesupset.jpg_

[mythic_bitch]: haha she got her phone taken away cuz the teacher heard the notifications

[mythic_bitch]: _attachment.ronnieglares.jpg_

[lifeboat]: Haha

[quackquack_bitches]: lmao

[queen_george]: gretchen and i are going out, anyone wanna join us at the mall?

[dumb_blonde]: *raised hand emoji* *question mark emoji* *shopping bags emoji*

[secret_keeper]: sure, you can come along!

[mythic_bitch]: i have nothing else to do, with veronica in detention, so i’ll tag along

[artisterino]: Sorry i was in the bathroom, what did i miss?

[queen_george]: scroll up hun

[artisterino]: OH SHIT

[artisterino]: YAY MY COUSIN IS FINALLY DATINGGG

[artisterino]: Also I would come with you guys but I have an art class, maybe some other time

[lifeboat]: I’ll come to the mall too!

[queen_george]: ok. is that everyone? 

[queen_george]: so there’s me, gretchen, karen, heather, and heather

[queen_george]: heather wanna come along?

[secret_keeper]: how do you keep track of who’s who?

[queen_george]: it’s a talent, like how u can read karen’s texts.

[quackquack_bitches]: eh i have nothing better to do so sure

[queen_george]: great. i’m coming to your houses to pick you guys up

[lifeboat]: Okay!

[secret_keeper]: cya there bby :3

[queen_george]: aww gretch i appreciate it but not in front of our friends please

[secret_keeper]: okay ;P

[mythic_bitch]: couple goals

[quackquack_bitches]: i am intimidated by the sappiness

[lifeboat]: Haha you’re just jealous you’re not dating anyone yet!

[lifeboat]: I bet you wish Anna goes to Westerburg ;)

[quackquack_bitches]: HEATHER STFU

[mythic_bitch]: i’m gonna side with mac on this one

[quackquack_bitches]: i thought you guys were my friends ;(

[lifeboat]: Aww Heather don’t be upset we’re still your friends, albeit ones that tease you for hours on end

[quackquack_bitches]: seriously find another topic, me crushing on a girl that we don’t know anymore is boring

[lifeboat]: Are you les?

[quackquack_bitches]: this chat feels like a coming out-therapy session

[mythic_bitch]: are you?

[queen_george]: hold that thought, heather i’m at your door

[lifeboat]: I don’t see you

[queen_george]: oh sorry i meant heather d

[quackquack_bitches]: i’m leaving my phone at home so you guys can’t bother me hehe

[mythic_bitch]: we’re going to be together irl anyways

[quackquack_bitches]: darn

 _quackquack_bitches_ is inactive.

[queen_george]: okay karen we’re stopping by your house now

[dumb_blonde]: *okay emoji*

[lifeboat]: How are you texting while driving?

[queen_george]: i’m using voice typing hi heather it’s heather shush i’m trying to send a message hi hi hi shut up!

[lifeboat]: I-- okay

[mythic_bitch]: i see you guys, i’m coming out

[queen_george]: now just heather left

[lifeboat]: i see you guys

[secret_keeper]: that was quick

[queen_george]: they live like 5 houses away from each other ohh okay gretchen just type on your own phone goddamnit okay jeez sorry baby gretchen what did i tell you about the nicknames i’m sorry they’re cute i know and i love you i love you too regina

[lifeboat]: I’m coming out the front door now

[queen_george]: hop in and let’s motor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed! bye!


	4. Welcome, Caddy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janis and Veronica add Cady to the chat
> 
> or
> 
> "Welcome to club gay!" - Janis

Sunday, 6:47pm

non-straight vibes only

[artisterino]: I’m gonna assume they’re at the mall still and won’t bother checking their phones

[artisterino]: Ronnie ya here?

[not_traumatized]: Present

[dumb_blonde]: *waving emoji* *peace emoji*

_ dumb_blonde  _ is inactive.

[not_traumatized]: I think she said hi then had to leave

[artisterino]: Works for me

[not_traumatized]: So what’s up?

[artisteirno]: Nuthin’

[artisterino]: I find it funny that you and I are the only ones with capitalization on

[not_traumatized]: True

[not_traumatized]: not anymoreeeeee

[artisterino]: same hereeeeeee

[artisterino]: so bby cousin

[not_traumatized]: yeaaasss??

[artisterino]: CONGRATS UR GAY!!!

[not_traumatized]: correction i’m bisexual

[artisterino]: same difference, you still wanna bang girls

[not_traumatized]: i-- have you been drinking?

[artisterino]: of course not why you ask?

[not_traumatized]: why in the hell would my cousin tell me i want to bang girls if she’s not flat out high?

[artisterino]: i’m offended but also in total agreement.

[artisterino]: anyways, can i add my friend to this chat? she also goes to my school

[not_traumatized]: go ahead. i would add my friend too, but... she’s sensitive to “mature content” so yeah

_ artisterino  _ added  _ caddyheron _ to the chat.

[caddyheron]: Hi Janis! What’s this chat?

[artisterino]: hi caddyyyyyy this is a group chat with my cousin, ronnie, and her friends from their school

[caddyheron]: Nice to meet you, Ronnie!

[not_traumatized]: my full name is actually veronica but that’s fine too lol

[caddyheron]: My name’s Cady, but all my friends call me Caddy.

[not_traumatized]: cool :3

[caddyheron]: Who’s  _ [mythic_bitch], [quackquack_bitches]  _ and  _ [lifeboat] _ ?

[not_traumatized]: those are my friends, heather, heather and heather.

[caddyheron]: All of them are named Heather??

[not_traumatized]: yup heather chandler (mythic bitch), heather duke (quackquack) and heather mcnamara (lifeboat).

[caddyheron]: Cool!

[artisterino]: haha now caddy’s the only one with auto capitalization

[caddyheron]: Is there something wrong with that?

[artisterino]: no no, it’s just that ronnie and i were joking about it earlier

[artisterino]: also come to think of it, heather mcnamara has auto cap too

[caddyheron]: Oh, okay. Could ask why Veronica’s name is ‘not traumatized’?

[not_traumatized]: ohh it’s from shit i went through last year... everything is better now tho. 

[not_traumatized]: altho i’m gonna change it cuz i don’t like it.

[caddyheron]: Oof that sucks. Hope you’re better

_ not_traumatized  _ changed their name to  _ bluejanis _ .

[artisterino]: blue janis??

[bluejanis]: people say i look like you but in blue

[bluejanis]: henceforth, bluejanis.

[artisterino]: ...

[artisterino]: once again. veronica sawyer, you are a genius

[bluejanis]: don’t flatter me!

[caddyheron]: Sorry to interupt, but why is the name ‘non-straight vibes only’?

[artisterino]: OHH

[artisterino]: because we’re all some sort of gay

[bluejanis]: well except for karen and heather duke

[caddyheron]: As a bisexual I approve of the name

[artisterino]: BI?!

[caddyheron]: Uhh, did you not know? I thought I told you!

[artisterino]: nUU i DID NOT kNOWw

[caddyheron]: ..well now you do!

[artisterino]: YAYYY NEEW ADDITOIN TAO CLOUB GAYYYY

[bluejanis]: yup, she’s definitely been drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i'm posting this, i just want it out of my docs loll... hope you enjoyed :)


	5. Drunk Cousins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's 3am and the cousins r drunk, simple as that 😌

Monday, 3:11am

non-straight vibes only

[bluejanis]: ALL YA WANNA DOOOOOOOO

[bluejanis]: All YA WAHNNA DOOO BABYEH

[bluejanis]: TOUCH MEEEE LOOOVE MEE CAN’T GET ENOUGHSIESSSS

[bluejanis]: SEEEIIIZEE MEEE SQUEEZEEEE MEEEE BIRDS AND DA BEES MEEEE

[lifeboat]: Janis why are you still awake?!

[bluejanis]: OffENdeeddd

[bluejanis]: i’M VEROniIIIICAA

[lifeboat]: Oh, Veronica, sorry

[lifeboat]: It’s your name... never mind. Have you been drinking?

[bluejanis]: JANiss gave ME a BOTTle And IT tastES GOOD

[lifeboat]: Are you sure it was only one bottle..? :/

[lifeboat]: And... What were the texts above about?

[bluejanis]: BITE MAHHH LIPPP AND PULLL MAH HAIIRRR

[lifeboat]: Pardon me?

[bluejanis]: SOrryY i lIIKE SEX

[lifeboat]: Sex? Veronica, are you okay?

[bluejanis]: SIX SOrrYY AHAHAHAH

[lifeboat]: Ohh okay but, umm, Veronica do you want me to come over or something?

[bluejanis]: nOO it’S okAYY i HAvE JANISS

[bluejanis]: hi guys it’s janiss :PPP

[bluejanis]: She TOOK MAh PhOONE

[bluejanis]: veronica is flat out drunk, i’d appreciate some help please

[lifeboat]: I’ll be right there!

(a few minutes later)

[bluejanis]: thANkS so much heather 

[lifeboat]: No problem, but Janis, have you been drinking too?

[bluejanis]: whatt nooo

[bluejanis]: hAAHh i GAVe her sOMe BeeR

[bluejanis]: she Took A hUUUgeEWE gUULPPp

[lifeboat]: Oh my... I’m outside the window now.

[bluejanis]: i SEE yOUU

[lifeboat]: VERONICA DON’t DANGLE YOURSELF OUT OF THE WINDOW!

[bluejanis]: WhYYY

[lifeboat]: Janis could you just open the back door for me please?

[bluejanis]: sUre

[bluejanis]: sTOp tAkiNG PHONE

[lifeboat]: Okay I’m coming up now

[lifeboat]: I am truly scared for what you guys did...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoyed lol. CADNIS IS COMING V SOON DW
> 
> also, all you wanna do from six is such a bop but also so sad, #kathowardprotectionsquad 😤✊


	6. Soft Chandler is Best Chandler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> basically chandler being a concerned gf <3

Monday, 8:24am

non-straight vibes only

[mythic_bitch]: is veronica okay??

[mythic_bitch]: what the fuck happened last night?

[lifeboat]: Yeah Veronica was piss drunk

[bluejanis]: AHH my head hurtss so bad

[mythic_bitch]: you’re probably hungover sweetie

[bluejanis]: enghghu

[mythic_bitch]: don’t worry i’ll send you a hangover cure

[mythic_bitch]: _www.homemaderemedieseasy.com/hangover-cure_

[bluejanis]: aww thanks bby

[lifeboat]: Heather’s blushinggg

[mythic_bitch]: excuse me? how tf can u see me?

[lifeboat]: Well if you were keeping track of time, I’m walking to the bus stop and you just happen to be at the window with the goofiest smile I’ve ever seen on your face

[lifeboat]: And... you moved

[mythic_bitch]: ANYWAYS

[bluejanis]: i’m calling in sick i don’t wanna go to school

[artisterino]: noo bby cousin

[mythic_bitch]: wait is janis okay? wasn’t she drinking too?

[artisterino]: i have an immunity to hangovers ;)

[bluejanis]: TEACH ME HOWW

[mythic_bitch]: well i’m going to school have fun at home

[lifeboat]: I see you coming out of the house, we can walk together

[mythic_bitch]: comin now

[bluejanis]: byee sweetiee

[mythic_bitch]: bye honey

[lifeboat]: _attachment.heatherblushing.jpg_

[mythic_bitch]: HEATHER

[bluejanis]: aww ur so cute when u blush heather

[mythic_bitch]: thanks i guess haha

[lifeboat]: She’s mortified ;)

[mythic_bitch]: and you’re so dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed, wash your hands! bye!! 
> 
> also, i heard trump has covid.. cross your fingers y'all  
> i'm canadian but... pls vote biden istg. trump will r u i n your lives and take away your rights.  
> i'm not even american or old enough to vote but.. pls


	7. Cousins Bonding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the cousins have some bonding time. they're supportive and we stan

**(Private chat between** **_bluejanis_ ** **and** **_artisterino)_ **

Monday, 10:34am

[artisterino]: you okay, ronnie?

[bluejanis]: yeh i just whipped up the cure and it’s doing wonders for mah head

[bluejanis]: wait aren’t you in school??

[artisterino]: damien is covering for me. he’s telling them i’m having... girl problems so i could check on u

[bluejanis]: damien?

[artisterino]: my gbf. he’s almost too gay to function ;)

[bluejanis]: nice

[bluejanis]: and you aren’t embarrassed about that excuse at all?

[artisterino]: well the only person who ever made a big deal about periods was regina, and she’s changed

[artisterino]: hopefully

[bluejanis]: may i ask, what happened between you two?

[bluejanis]: oh janis i’m sorry if that was too personal

[bluejanis]: janis? are you all right?

[artisterino]: yeah just... thinking

[artisterino]: is it okay if i don’t tell you now? i’m... kinda not up to that right now.

[bluejanis]: of course. i’m always here for you, cousin :)

[artisterino]: thanks ronnie <3

[artisterino]: anyways, when’s the date?

[bluejanis]: date??

[artisterino]: yeah, between you and heather!

[bluejanis]: ohh that’s on friday :D

[bluejanis]: sooo exciteddd

[artisterino]: have i ever told you i’ve never been on a date before?

[bluejanis]: seriously?!

[artisterino]: what?!

[artisterino]: attractive non-straight girls who would like me back are nonexistent at northshore high!

[bluejanis]: i’m younger than you and i’ve fucked more guys than i can count

[artisterino]: veronica sawyer don’t ever tell me that again

[artisterino]: are you a top or a bottom

[bluejanis]: i- top

[bluejanis]: but i don’t even like them, so technically i’ve never fucked a girl before

[artisterino]: coolio

[artisterino]: so about your date, what are you guys gonna do?

[bluejanis]: umm idk, maybe go to dinner then watch a movie at my place

[artisterino]: that’s cute :3

[bluejanis]: yeah i’m nervous but excited

[bluejanis]: especially since i like her a lot and i don’t want to fuck up

[artisterino]: can i let you in on a secret?

[bluejanis]: sure?

[artisterino]: it wasn’t a dare, or a joke when she asked you out. she made a fucking gc titled ‘help me with my fckin crisis’ at 1am asking all of us for helpwith her feeling for u

[artisterino]: wait, really?

[artisterino]:  _ attachment.screenshot-at-10:40am.jpg _

[bluejanis]: i dunno why but i find that unbelievably cute

[artisterino]: i knew you would

[bluejanis]: omg i’m going to show this to her and see her reaction

[bluejanis]: bet she’ll blush till her face blends into her hair

[artisterino]: she’s ginger?

[bluejanis]: yep

[artisterino]: spicyy

[bluejanis]: ;P

[artisterino]: can i text you later? i’m going to finish a painting i started a few days ago

[bluejanis]: go ahead mon amigo. what’s the painting of?

[artisterino]: me, damian, cady, and the plastics

[bluejanis]: aww that’s nice. send me a pic when you’re done

[artisterino]: yes sir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed! wash ur handzz


	8. Wink Wink, Here's Some Cadnis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the blossoming love story we all wish was canon. unless u ship rejanis or cadina, which are also completely fine as well... you know what? i'll shut up, and you can indulge yourself in my intro to cadnis.

**(Private chat between** **_bluejanis_ ** **and** **_artisterino_ ** **)**

Monday, 4:57pm

[artisterino]: bby cousin i need HALP

[artisterino]: please answer please please

[bluejanis]: what is it? are you dying?

[artisterino]: i mean kind of

[bluejanis]: what’s wrong? need me to come over?

[artisterino]: no it’s not my body that’s dying it’s my heart

[bluejanis]: clarification?

[artisterino]: i am in love and i need help. stat. 

[bluejanis]: wait, really? that’s so cuteee

[artisterino]: ur younger than me. anyways... 

[bluejanis]: so who is this lucky girl who has won the heart of my cousin?

[artisterino]: you know that girl i added to the chat before?

[bluejanis]: caddy, right?

[artisterino]: technically her name is cady, but we all call her caddy

[artisterino]: and i was lying when i said attractive non-straight girls don’t exist at my school

[artisterino]: because she is the most beautiful girl i’ve ever met

[bluejanis]: awww ;P

[artisterino]: help. i’m drowning in gayness

[bluejanis]: hmm... what’s she look like?

[artisterino]: lemme find a pic.

[bluejanis]: kk

[artisterino]:  _ attachment.caddyandjanis.png _

[bluejanis]: oh shit

[bluejanis]: i have a girlfriend but i agree: JESUS CHRIST she’s cute

[artisterino]: IKR and I NEED HELP

[bluejanis]: do ya wanna ask her out or something??

[artisterino]: idk if i’m ready to go that far... but how else am i supposed to confess??

[bluejanis]: hmm... do u have anyone who knows cady better than me to talk with?

[artisterino]: well, there IS damien, or the ex-plastics. but... i don’t wanna bother damien rn. his parents just got divorced, and the ex-plastics... won’t be very helpful.

[bluejanis]: ouch. well... do u want me to text her and see if she likes u back?

[artisterino]: oof i’d love that but... isn’t that a lot to ask from u?

[bluejanis]: janis... you underestimate my abilities.

[artisterino]: okay.... Pls don’t fuck up i realllyyyyyyy like her

[bluejanis]: wow i’m offended that u underestimate my abilities >:P

[artisterino]: ok ok i’m sorry

[bluejanis]: i’ll text her now :DD

[artisterino]: k......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for double posting, again. i'm trying to post it all because it's sorta just sitting in my google docs and i want to post it all before writing more chapters, so yeah ;P
> 
> hope you enjoyed!


	9. Ronnie the Matchmaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> veronica talks to cady about janis and finds out some /g r e a t/ news!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bi buddies bi buddies bi buddies bi buddies

**Private chat between** **_caddyheron_ ** **and** **_bluejanis_ **

Monday, 5:16pm

[bluejanis]: hi! is this cady?

[caddyheron]: Yep! Are you Veronica?

[bluejanis]: that’s me =]

[caddyheron]: Nice :)

[bluejanis]: so janis told me u moved here from africa. that sounds so cool!

[caddyheron]: Yeah! I lived my whole life in Kenya, until I was sixteen and my parents announced we’d be moving to America again.

[caddyheron]: I went to Northshore High, basically messed up my entire life alongside my best friends’ lives, but then I fixed it (kinda) and now we’re all cool :)

[bluejanis]: wow, that sounds rough... glad you solved it tho :)

[caddyheron]: Thanks!

[bluejanis]: so...

[caddyheron]: Haha I’m still adjusting to texting since in Kenya we only had one phone, and it wasn’t mobile...

[bluejanis]: that’s fine

[caddyheron]: So anyways. We’re both bi?

[bluejanis]: yup =)

[caddyheron]: I personally think it’s amazing that we’re capable of liking anyone, no matter their gender *shrug emoji*

[bluejanis]: yeah.. I used to think i was pan, but bi just felt more right.

[caddyheron]: Same here

[bluejanis]: how’d u realize you were bisexual?

[caddyheron]: Well, in junior year, there was this boy in my class named Aaron Samuels. I had a HUGE crush on him, and we dated for a little. 

[caddyheron]: I  _ did _ like him, but... after we broke up, I started having feelings for this girl. That’s when I realized I had the capacity to love both genders.

[bluejanis]: wow, that’s amazing! do u still like this girl?

[caddyheron]: Immensely. She’s amazing.

[bluejanis]: aww, that’s so sweet <3

[caddyheron]: She’s one of my closest friends, so... I don’t want to confess and ruin our friendship. It kinda hurts.

[bluejanis]: hmm... maybe i could help you :D

[caddyheron]: Really? How?

[bluejanis]: i dunno... but my friends have had a lot of relationship problems before, so... i guess i could give you some advice??

[caddyheron]: I’d like that, thank you

[caddyheron]: Well, we’ve been best friends since the beginning of last year. She and my other friend were the first two people that had been nice to me. She forgave me for all the crap I’d put her through last year, which just makes me love her even more.

[bluejanis]: she sounds amazing <33

[caddyheron]: She truly is.

[bluejanis]: oh i’m rly sorry my mom is calling, i’ll be right back

[caddyheron]: Of course :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed, especially @pansexual_lullaby because i know you want to see some cadnis content ;)


	10. Big News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> veronica the messenger to the rescue

**Private chat between** **_bluejanis_ ** **and** **_artisterino_ **

Monday, 5:24pm

[bluejanis]: JANIS JANIS JANIS

[artisterino]: RONNIE RONNIE RONNIE

[bluejanis]: when did u and caddy meet?

[artisterino]: hmm... the beginning of junior year. so, the beginning of last year. Why?

[bluejanis]: *gasp emoji*

[artisterino]: WHAT 

[bluejanis]: i’m not sure... but if i’m right, you’re in luck :))

[artisterino]: cryptic

[artisterino]: but tysmmm

[bluejanis]: nppp <33\. now gtg back to the conversation w cadds

[artisterino]: wait that’s actually one of her nicknames how’d u know that?

[bluejanis]: dunno. it just fits =P

[artisterino]: okie then hehe. ttylll 

[bluejanis]: tootles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoyed!


	11. Just Date Already

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cady and Janis like each other, even though they're convinced the other doesn't reciprocate their feelings. Veronica encourages them that their feelings are mutual, but they're hesitant.
> 
> Or:
> 
> jfc just marry already

**Private chat between** **_caddyheron_ ** **and** **_bluejanis_ **

Monday, 5:30pm

[bluejanis]: backk

[caddyheron]: Hi :)

[bluejanis]: hey

[bluejanis]: wanna resume from where we were before?

[caddyheron]: Sure! And thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it

[bluejanis]: it’s no problem :)

[caddyheron]: Well... I’m just gonna go into a rant here, if that’s okay

[bluejanis]: go aheaddd

[caddyheron]: She has the prettiest dark brown eyes ever, and she’s amazing at art. She’s also super goofy and funny, but she’s also always there for me when I need to talk or I need hugs.

[bluejanis]: i’m so happy you have a friend like that

[caddyheron]: Yeah. She’s... amazing.

[bluejanis]: hhm. i’d suggest talking to her, maybe she feels the same way?

[caddyheron]: Oh no, I doubt she does. Besides.. I'd be way too scared.

[bluejanis]: i mean, the only way to find out for sure is talking to her.

[caddyheron]: I guess you're right, but I don't think I'm ready yet.

[bluejanis]: well i wasn't ready when the group chat forced the truth out of me, but it turns out now i'm happily dating chandler :D

[bluejanis]: i guarantee you she feels the same way. who wouldn't? you seem amazing <3

[caddyheron]: Thank you, Veronica.

[caddyheron]: I think I'll talk to her. Maybe not confess, but I'll.. talk.

[bluejanis]: good luck! i'm sure it'll go good :)

[caddyheron]: Thank you!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally all the hot tea is out 
> 
> hope u enjoyed <3


	12. The Final Confrontation ;O

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jesus finally
> 
> as i quote from aaron burr in hamilton: "THE MOMENT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR........................"
> 
> GEORGE WASHINGTON!
> 
> no no i'm just kidding, it's
> 
> CADNIS CONFESSING THEIR FEELINGS? AND GETTING THEM RETURNED? OH MY GOD??

**Private chat between _caddyheron_ and _artisterino_**

Monday, 6:00pm

[caddyheron]: _attachment.dog-eating-cake.gif_

[artisterino]: m00d

[artisterino]: so what's up cadds?

[caddyheron]: I need to talk to you about something.

[artisterino]: woah caddy using proper punctuation n everything! go ahead my girl

[caddyheron]: Ok I need you to give me an answer straight up, alright?

[artisterino]: ofc

[caddyheron]: First up: do you like anyone?

[artisterino]: i'm getting grade 5 truth or dare vibes lol.. but yes.

[caddyheron]: A girl, I assume.

[artisterino]: well it can't be a guy bc i'm literally NOT attracted to them, so yes. why do you ask?

[caddyheron]: Hmm how do I tell this to you

[caddyheron]: So we've been best friends for about a year, right?

[artisterino]: cady if this is something about our friendship pls tell me

[caddyheron]: No no it's nothing about our friendship. I love you my art freak *alien emoji*

[artisterino]: same here ;)

[artisterino]: what is it then?

[caddyheron]: Janis, please tell me how you'd feel if I told you that I have feelings for you?

[artisterino]: hmm, you said _if_ , so i'm going to go with:

[artisterino]: HYPOTHETICALLY i would run around my room crying tears of joy and screaming my head off.

[artisterino]: why do you ask?

[caddyheron]: Janis Sarkisian, I have feelings for you.

[artisterino]: _attachment.ohmyfuckshelikesmeback.mov_

[caddyheron]: If that ain't me right now-

[caddyheron]: Wait, so you like me? As in.. like like?

[artisterino]: bitch, who WOULDN'T fall for your gorgeous -ass eyes?

[caddyheron]: Aww, that's so sweet. And.. Janis, your eyes are _godly_.

[artisterino]: caddy. honey, they're _polluted_.

[caddyheron]: No, they're not. They're rich, and deep, like chocolate, and they're warm, and funny, and lovable.

[artisterino]: sheesh i fell for a poet

[caddyheron]: So... what do we do now?

[artisterino]: date me, obviously

[caddyheron]: Actually, I'd love to.

[artisterino]: really?

[artisterino]: someone please pinch me is this a fever dream

[caddyheron]: No, it's not. Janis, I'm bi - and of course I like you.

[caddyheron]: You're kind, you're sweet, you're fucking hilarious, you're caring, you're smart, you're witty... I could go on forever.

[artisterino]: please don't, i won't be able to read it through my happy tears

[caddyheron]: I love youu

[artisterino]: cady i love you too you actually have no idea

[caddyheron]: Well I'd like to get an idea.. I'm outside your window ;)

[artisterino]: omg you're pretty

[caddyheron]: Um it's raining how am I, soaking wet, pretty?

[artisterino]: you're adorable

[caddyheron]: Just let me inside Janis.

[artisterino]: *dog gif* your wish is my command, princess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like to think that behind her smooth talking, janis was fucking dying
> 
> hope you enjoyed, i sure did :D


	13. Karen is Much More Than a Dumb Mouse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> karen reveals something about themself, i project my lonely gay ass onto the gay relationships, and the regular chaos continues.
> 
> enjoy, my lovely gays, gals, and nonbinary pals

Tuesday, 6:32am

non-straight vibes only

[artisterino]: hi friends i have some big news

[lifeboat]: Hi Janis, why are you up so early? Also, what's the big news?

[artisterino]: hey heatherr i jus.. didn't sleep?? 

[artisterino]: and you'll just have to wait and see >:]

[lifeboat]: Alright then. And you should definitely try to get some rest, you know.

[artisterino]: lol i'll try.. ty heather

[lifeboat]: No problem! Excited for your 'big news'!

* * *

Tuesday, 2:56pm

[quackquack_bitches]: *yawns*

[mythic_bitch]: ??

[queen_george]: same

[lifeboat]: Guys why are you texting in class?

[quackquack_bitches]: i-

[secret_keeper]: honey... **you're** texting in class

[lifeboat]: Oh oops

[lifeboat]: Oh well, algebra sucks anyways :D

[dumb_blonde]: hea

[dumb_blonde]: hey*

[secret_keeper]: hi karen!

[queen_george]: ?? she?? used words??

[dumb_blonde]: i'm kind of hurt that you don't think i'm smart enough to communicate through words, regina

[mythic_bitch]: oh oUCH

[queen_george]: oh karen i'm sorry i was surprised because i didn't expect it is all

[dumb_blonde]: ok then

[dumb_blonde]: can i please change my name? i'd like to be labelled as something else.

[secret_keeper]: of course. go ahead :)

[dumb_blonde]: thank you.

 _dumb_blonde_ changed their name to _k_.

[quackquack_bitches]: just k?

[k]: yes. i would like to be referred to with k.

[lifeboat]: Of course!

[secret_keeper]: whatever you prefer :)

[k]: thank you

* * *

**Private chat between _queen_george_ and _secret_keeper_**

Tuesday, 3:00pm

[queen_george]: hey, am i missing something?

[queen_george]: i'm definitely not trying to be offensive, i'm just taken by surprise.

[secret_keeper]: oh, did k not tell you? 

[queen_george]: she hasn't really texted me in the past few days, so no??

[secret_keeper]: ahh okay. so

[secret_keeper]: k is currently questioning their gender identity, and would like to be referred to as they/them for now.

[queen_george]: wait that's a thing?

[secret_keeper]: yes, i believe it's called nonbinary.

[queen_george]: okay, well, whatever they prefer.

[queen_george]: that's pretty fascinating, isn't it?

[secret_keeper]: i guess it is, huh ??

[queen_george]: well, thanks for clearing it up for me, gretch :)

[secret_keeper]: no problem, love <3

* * *

Tuesday, 3:10pm

non-straight vibes only

[lifeboat]: Oh! @artisterino , didn't you mention a big surprise?

[bluejanis]: when did she mention that??

[mythic_bitch]: at like 6 in the morning

[quackquack_bitches]: is she okay? who wakes up that early?

[lifeboat]: Actually, she didn't sleep a wink, from what I believe.

[k]: lol if that's the case, she's probably sleeping in class rn

[mythic_bitch]: lmao

[queen_george]: knowing janis she's probably watching this conversation through her third eye in the ethereal space that is her brain

[secret_keeper]: i- 

[secret_keeper]: whatever you say, babe

[quackquack_bitches]: ew homosexuals

[mythic_bitch]: stfu u homophobic cishet

[lifeboat]: Hey, Heather!!!

[lifeboat]: Well, both of you two. Don't make jokes like that

[quackquack_bitches]: sorry, mac :/ i was joking

[mythic_bitch]: sorry, mac. also, sorry, heather.

[quackquack_bitches]: um, thank you?

[mythic_bitches]: what?

[quackquack_bitches]: oh, sorry. it's just that you've never apologized to me before

[mythic_bitch]: i was quite a bitch to you wasn't i

[quackquack_bitches]: still are, sometimes

[mythic_bitch]: i'm sorry, heather. 

[quackquack_bitches]: nah it's ok :)

[bluejanis]: oh?? my gf is apologizing for something? for once in her life?

[mythic_bitch]: i would murder you if i didn't love you

[lifeboat]: That's simultaneously endearing and terrifying

[queen_george]: english please, some of us aren't smart

[artisterino]: you mean, just you?

[queen_george]: JANIS MARIE SARKISIAN

[artisterino]: jeyyy

 _artisterino_ is inactive.

[secret_keeper]: tf just happened??

[k]: who knows??

[bluejanis]: i love you too, chandy

[quackquack_bitches]: CHANDY ?? 

[quackquack_bitches]: don't mind me, just filing this away for later use

[mythic_bitch]: the feeling is mutual, vera <3

[quackquacl_bitches]: wow that one's actually cute, i can't blackmail ronnie for that one

[secret_keeper]: couple goals (+ bystanders)

[queen_george]: this is why i love you gretchhh

[quackquack_bitches]: damn i need a partner

[lifeboat]: Aww, don't be sad, Heather!

[quackquack_bitches]: eh.. it's ok. at least i can focus on school that way

[mythic_bitch]: heather and heather we're going to the mall, okay?

[lifeboat]: Okay!

(by now it's the end of the day, ig they were texting all class)

[quackquack_bitches]: do u have ronnie?

[bluejanis]: yep, i'm with chandy

[mythic_bitch]: i'd ask you to stop calling me that but i love you so...

[queen_george]: this interaction is very cute

[secret_keeper]: <3

[queen_george]: <3

[quackquack_bitches]: making me feel all the more lonely

[lifeboat]: Same here

[lifeboat]: Okay we're here. Bye, guys!

[queen_george]: bye heather(s)

[secret_keeper]: bye friends :D

[k]: see ya later

[bluejanis]: bye guys!

[lifeboat]: Tootles *peace sign emoji*

 _lifeboat_ is inactive.

 _lifeboat_ has muted the chat.

 _mythic_bitch_ is inactive.

 _mythic_bitch_ has muted the chat.

 _quackquack_bitches_ is inactive.

 _quackquack_bitches_ has muted the chat.

[artisterino]: hi what'd i miss

[queen_george]: you literally just missed the heathers + veronica

[artisterino]: damn i missed saying sayonara to my bby cousin ;-;

[secret_keeper]: sayonara??

[k]: ^^

[artisterino]: it's from banana fish

[queen_george]: is that some kid's cartoon?

[artisterino]: NO

[artisterino]: IT IS ONE OF THE BEST ANIMES TO EVER EXIST AND I CRIED SO BAD DURING THE ENTIRE THING

[secret_keeper]: i'll check it out when i have time :)

[k]: ditto

[queen_george]: that's a pretty misleading name imo

[artisterino[: stfu it's the name of a drug

[queen_george]: o h

[artisterino]: it's so good... eiji is my baby

[caddyheron]: I thought I was your baby??? 

[artisterino]: HI CADDS <3333333

[caddyheron]: Hi Janis!!!! I had mathletes practice :P

[queen_george]: did i miss something here?

[caddyheron]: Oh yeah! Janis is my girlfriend now!

[k]: *spits out tea* what? really?

[secret_keeper]: omg congrats you guys!!!

[queen_george]: jfc congrats but like.... it took y'all long enough smh

[caddyheron]: Hey!

[artisterino]: hey!

[k]: like gf, like... other gf?

[secret_keeper]: what do you mean, gina?

[queen_georg]e: i know when a person's crushing. JANIS YOU ABSOLUTE PUSSY WHY DID YOU WAIT FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR JFC

[secret_keeper]: 12 months?!

[caddyheron]: wait, janis, really?

[artisterino]: I HATE YOU REGINA

[artisterino]: yes, cadds, an entire year.

[caddyheron]: Wait, but that's around the first time we met??

[artisterino]: what can i say? i fall easily, and i fall hard.

[secret_keeper]: ooh so poetic

[k]: awh thats pretty sweet

[caddyheron]: Aww Janis I love you :3

[queen_george]: ah some quality content from the slow burn couple

[artisterino]: stop ruINING THE MOMENT REGINALD GEORGIO

[secret_keeper]: what did u just call her?

[artisterino]: idk my phone autocorrected to that lol

[caddyheron]: May I ask why that's your autocorrect for Regina's name?

[artisterino]: hmm well tbh i don't remember...

[artisterino]: NOW LET ME GET TO MY POINT

[artisterino]: I LOVE YOU CADDY AND IF WE EVER BREAK UP I WILL SOB HARDER THAN I DID DURING BANANA FISH

[caddyheron]: I love you too Janis <3

[caddyheron]: And what's banana fish??

[secret_keeper]: this anime she's super into

[caddyheron]: Ooh can we watch it together?

[artisterino]: no it'd be too pure for your virgin soul

[caddyheron]: What? Why?

[queen_george]: we'll explain when you're older, sweetie

[k]: HAHAH

[caddyheron]: I'm literally the same age as you, regina-

[caddyheron]: And is karen @k ? Why is that her name?

[secret_keeper]: oh, cady, they're going by k now.

[caddyheron]: Who's they?

[secret_keeper]: k is it okay if i explain?

[k]: go ahead

[secret_keeper]: k is currently questioning their gender identity and would like to be referred to as k

[caddyheron]: Oh! That makes sense, sorry, K!

[k]: it's ok :)

[caddyheron]: Well, this has been very fun, but I must go complete my math homework. Byeee!!

 _caddyheron_ is inactive.

 _caddyheron_ has muted the chat.

[artisterino]: BABE WAIT

[artisterino]: didn't even get to say i love you *crying emoji*

[caddyheron]: I LOVE YOU

 _caddyheron_ is inactive.

[artisterino]: I LOVE YOU TOO MY CADDYCAKES

[queen_george]: *wheeze*

[secret_keeper]: gina you do realize one of your nicknames is reginald?

[queen_george]: YES I KNOW IM SORRY

[k]: lol

(A/N: i have no idea how to close this off, but oh well. byee and i love you all, stay safe! <3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE WATCH BANANA FISH I CRIED ON THE LAST EPISODE IT'S SO FUCKING GOOD (use the website 4anime.to to watch, PLEASE)
> 
> at this point k is just there for dry comedic relief

**Author's Note:**

> for the love of all things holy, wash ur hands


End file.
